my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
