Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
