my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
