I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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