So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
