Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize
