My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
What a dumb baby whore.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
