Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
