i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
