Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
