your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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