I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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