You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
