jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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