it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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