there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
