GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
