Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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