getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
