I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
