dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
