I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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