i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
