Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I think I am morally bankrupt
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
