I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
