i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
