Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
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