If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
