your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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