i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
