I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
