Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
