I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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