Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Operation Purity has been aborted
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
