I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
