DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I can't turn off my feet"
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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