dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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