@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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