I murdered the dance floor call the cops
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
