I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
