Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Pants are for mortals
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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