Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
