I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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