The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
