It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
