did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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