i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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