I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
