I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
