Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
