apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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